Field of Innocence
by Jemi Gr
Summary: [CATS fic] The Junkyard is full of too many painful memories for Jemima... but you can't walk away from your fears forever.


**Author's Notes: **The song used in this story is 'Field of Innocence' (as you probably could have guessed from the title) by Evanescence.

**Field of Innocence**

**Jemi Gr.**

            Jemima shivered, and began her painful trek towards the exit of the Junkyard. It was nighttime, and there was a frigid wind that seemed to blow right through her fur, chilling her to the bone.

            The Junkyard was eerily quiet: not even the sound of crickets chirping in the distance or the sound of Skimbleshanks' snoring from inside his box could be heard. Indeed, if it weren't for the occasional howl of the wind, Jemima would probably have gone mad from the deafening silence. 

            On one hand, the queen was glad that there was no one around as she walked slowly through what she once called home. There was no one there to stop her from walking out of the Junkyard. But on the other hand, Jemima wished with all her might, someone would dash out and stop her.

            But no one was coming. No one was going to come. She knew this, so she had no choice but to go on.

_…I still remember the world  
From the eyes of a child  
Slowly those feelings  
Were clouded by what I know now…_

            She passed the bike tire. She remembered her and Electra and Etcetera hiding behind that exact same tire, prepared to throw a pail of water on Alonzo when he walked by. She remembered spying on Tugger from behind the bike tire. She remembered eating the very first mouse she ever caught behind the bike tire.

            …She remembered sitting by the tire when Skimbleshanks, her father, told her that her mother had left them and was never going to come back. She didn't fully understand what he meant until later, when she saw the cold, lifeless body of the one known to the Jellicles as the Gumbie cat…

_…Where has my heart gone  
An uneven trade for the real world  
I want to go back to  
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all…_

            She passed the car trunk where she once hid when she and Electra and Etcetera and Tumblebrutus and Pouncival and Victoria and Plato had all been playing hide and go seek. The car trunk where, according to her father, both her mother and her brother had taken their last breaths… the car trunk she swore she would never go in again…

            She passed the pipe. Mistoffelees had inhabited the pipe, but after Admetus and Jennyanydots died, he left the Jellicles in the middle of the night and was never seen again. _He thought their deaths were his fault… _thought Jemima sadly. _Everlasting Cat knows where he is now… probably dead…_

She remembered way back before life became hard. She remembered lying in the sun in front of the pipe. She remembered the tuxedoed tom showing her some of his magic…

            She could not remember what he had shown her that day, except for the fact that it was beautiful.

_…I still remember the sun  
Always warm on my back  
Somehow it seems colder now…_

            She passed a familiar box: it was the box she had grown up in. Her father was probably still in it now… snoring as usual… yet there was no sound coming from inside. Jemima ignored the fact, however. It just didn't matter anymore.

            She was nearing the end of the Junkyard, and she knew perfectly well that once she left, she would never allow herself to come back. Never. No matter how long they searched for her, no matter how long they called her name, no matter how long they begged, she would not go back. There was too much pain in the Junkyard. Out in the world, she could be free.

            But free to do what? Kill herself, as everyone assumed Mistoffelees had done? Turn to wickedness, as Macavity had done? Become a stray, living in the streets, eating of trash cans, as Exotica had done?

            Jemima took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and left the Junkyard.

            And then she sat down and wept bitter tears.

_…Where has my heart gone  
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger  
I want to go back to  
Believing in everything…_

_…I want to go back to believing in everything…_

            "You can't walk away forever, you know," said a voice behind her. "There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of your mother and Admetus. But you can't just walk away, Jemima."

            "Dad…" whispered the young queen. "What about Mistoffelees? Exotica? Macavity? They walked away…"

            "Mistoffelees is dead, Exotica is miserable, and Macavity's… well… Macavity," said Skimbleshanks, coming to sit by his daughter. "You don't want to end up like them, do you?"  
            "Honestly, Dad, I'd rather be dead than alive right now," murmured Jemima.

            Skimbleshanks put a comforting arm around his daughter. "I know," he whispered. "I know."

            There was a long silence, during which the only sound was Jemima's occasional sobs. Finally, Skimbleshanks spoke. "Jem," he said in barely a whisper, "let's go home."

            Jemima nodded, and the two stood up and walked slowly back into the Junkyard with their arms around each other, a father and his beloved daughter.

            …and Jemima knew that even though she couldn't go back to believing in everything, she could at least go back to believing in life.

~fini~

Author's Notes: Okay… now… go read To the Moonlight! *big smile*

By the way, if you notice any spelling/grammatical errors, that's because I couldn't force myself to go past a 3rd draft on this story because it was too painful to read… I really don't like this kind of dark angst. It weirds me out. I can write it (not well, of course), but can't read it.

--jemi gr, 03-september-2003

~  Re-uploaded by Jemi Gr on le trieze septembre with several grammatical errors fixed.  ~


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